That Purple Stuff Smoothie


Motherfucker I’m ill, not sick.

And I’m okay

but my watch sick.

Well, not really. I’m not okay and I don’t even own a watch. Much like Weezy circa 2008, I’m thinking a cup of that purple stuff would be a blessing to all of us enduring allergy season here in Georgia. But, for the sake of health and not wanting to contribute to the raging opioid epidemic in this country, I’ll settle for a smoothie. This purple stuff smoothie I developed does a good job of making your stuffy, fatigued body feel a little better without the narcotics. It’s a win-win.

I am a total baby when I’m sick or have even the slightest premonition that allergies are looming. This spring is no exception. While I’m not currently wailing about a mild cold that is somehow appendicitis, Atlantans are living a plant orgy nightmare that makes us want to rip our eyes out and incinerate our nasal passages. This city may as well be mother earth’s pornhub and we her unwilling participants who have to withstand flower facials for the next three months.

Anywho, whether you’re fighting allergies or something else right now, you’ll want this purple stuff smoothie on hand when you need to perk up and do things like live your life and breath oxygen. It has just the right bite to fight colds, allergies, and that violated feeling you get from the layer of plant sperm on absolutely everything you come into contact with. This drinkity drank’s got it all: blueberries, mango, and lemon for vitamin C, coconut water for hydration, cashews and chia for sustenance, and a touch of cayenne to fight that congested feeling.

That Purple Stuff Smoothie

  • 1 c frozen blueberries
  • 1 c coconut water
  • 1/2 c frozen mango
  • 1/3 c nut milk (preferably almond)
  • 3 tbs lemon juice
  • 3 tbs soaked raw cashews
  • 2 tbs shredded coconut
  • 2 tsp chia seeds
  • 1/4 tsp cayenne powder
  • 1/4 tsp vanilla extract
  • Dash of liquid sweetener

Throw the ingredients in a blender and liquify. Drink inside and far away from those horrifying Bradford Pear trees.


  1. It really helps to use a high-power blender like a Vitamix or a Ninja. Lesser blenders won’t liquify some ingredients well (i.e., the cashews, chia seeds) and you may end up with random chunks in your smoothie.
  2. Nut milk is preferable in this smoothie; soy milk gives it a slightly chalky taste/texture. Homemade (I linked one of my favorite recipes) almond milk is the absolute best in this one, but we can’t all be winners so just use Califia Farms or some other shit. You can also use coconut milk.
  3. Make sure you soak the cashews in water overnight (in the fridge) if you don’t have a powerful blender, or for at least a couple of hours. Alternatively you can soak in freshly boiled water for an hour. Two tablespoons of raw cashews will yield about 3 tbs when soaked in the water.
  4. The sweetener and cayenne are totally adjustable: I personally add just a *touch* of maple syrup – no more than 1/2 tsp – and 1/4 tsp of cayenne. You may prefer a less spicy and/or sweeter smoothie. Play around with it.

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